Hello Blog –
It’s me again. I know that its been a while since I came here but what matters is that I am here right? You guessed it, and you’re right. It seems that I only post something when good things are happening or whenever I’m doubting myself. I’m sorry that I use you as my personal therapist but sometimes I feel that this is the only way I can really express myself. I have made countless excuses for not blogging and my favorite one is “I am so busy that I don’t have time” but that is truly not the case this time. The opposite is true this go around. I have had sooo much free time that I have been going crazy………no better yet stir crazy to be more exact.
It has been roughly 5 months since graduation and I am still unemployed! The situation with opening my own pharmacy has be peppered with road blocks, delays, and unforeseen expenses. These things have resulted in an increase level of stress and play a big role in my current state of emotional instability. I knew it was not going to be easy but I didn’t know that it was going to be this trying on me. Everyday I feel worn down and the possibility of having a mental breakdown increases with every obstacle that I encounter. Sometimes I feel helpless and not in control of what is happening. The worst part of it all is that I am dragging my wife with me and she becomes the victim of my frustration. It is not easy living with a mopey, angry, frustrated, semi Type A person. I can attest personally and acknowledge to that.
This personal feeling of losing control over my profession career is the pits. There was a period, a couple of months ago, that I felt that I have hit rock bottom. Both myself and my wife were unemployed, our savings were being drain to make ends meet, and we didn’t know if something would come along to provide one of us employment. Lucky for us, my wife got a job and it was enough to get us by until things resolved with the pharmacy building. That was one of the most happiest days of my life. Things were starting to turn up for us.
While she worked, I was left to take care of the apartment. There was really nothing I could do with the pharmacy until this current issue resolved itself which would just take time. I cooked, I cleaned, I was a stay at home husband. In the beginning it was fine and I enjoyed it. I was able to sleep in, watch multiple t.v. series on Netflix and just plain old relax. After the first week, that routine got mundane and boring and I began to really question my own self worth. I went to pharmacy school to help patients and right now I’m stuck at home trying to figure out what to make for dinner! The only thing that I had to look forward to was deciding what I was going to make the following day. I hated doing the dishes everyday. My wife would leave at 7 am and not really come home until 6pm from school. We would then have dinner and I would have to listen to her talk about her day and her daily frustration/learning curve as a new teacher. Afterwards she would correct her students homework until it was bedtime. This was the standard routine and currently I am not adjusting to it well. I am trying to be as supportive as I can but I am missing sometime here. I think it would be easier on myself if I had something meaningful also in my routine instead of the crappy homebody routine.
It did get better. I was able to find some work for a couple of weeks. I was so happy for the opportunity to make a contribution to our situation and to actually work as a pharmacist. When I was working, it felt awesome. I was helping patients, learning how to be a pharmacist, and gaining confidence in my ability to open and run my pharmacy when things came together. I really felt needed and personally satisfied. The work didn’t last long. In no time I was back in Lake Crystal and resuming my role as the stay at home husband feeling really worthless in terms of helping out and contributing to my family. The day that I received my first check was really bittersweet. It was great that I was compensated nicely for my work but it also meant that I was losing out on that future income as I wait issues to be revolved with my pharmacy. Lately I have notice myself being more easily annoyed, upset, and frustrated. I below up because I wasn’t getting help “planning meals” during one of our conversations. Last night, after going grocery shopping and having dinner out (due to me not wanted to cook) I lost it again. We were putting away the groceries and I made a comment (directed to myself) that I should really look at what we have at home and use those items for our meals. My wife quickly agreed with that statement and it just rubbed me the wrong way. I really put in effort in my dinners and try really hard to be creative but lately I have not been getting any assistance with the household chores. To make matters worst, she went into school this morning to work on things and didn’t come back until 4pm. I was stuck here at home again going stir crazy and still upset about what had transpire last night.
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I thought that if I “spew” my feelings in this blog, things will be better tomorrow. I’ll hopefully have cooled down and became more emotionally stable? I do feel a little better now that I have vented. Thank you for listening to me and being a place where I can be myself. I know that you will always be here for me and I should come here more frequently. Goodbye Blog. I will see you the next time I have a life changing situation to talk about!